Do not you think there is something very peculiar about how the world looks at women who stand alone? These are the women who do not frequently find themselves glued to a buzzing group chat or busy with brunches and constant catch ups.
Because of this, they are often assumed to be shy or a little on the colder side, or even worse, lonely. Society has a way of pathologizing solitude, especially in women. A man who keeps to himself is often seen as mysterious or deep. A woman who does the same is often seen as stuck up or sad.
But there exists a particular group of women for whom a smaller social network is not a consequence of social incompetence. It is a well considered decision. They are not lonely. They are selective. They are not antisocial. They are intentional. And the traits that drive this choice are not flaws. They are strengths that society simply does not know how to value.
The truth is that being labeled as having low sociability or maintaining a small close knit circle can be linked to certain personality traits. Research on the Big Five personality model has found correlations between lower sociability and introversion, as well as openness to experience, where individuals may value self reflection more than external input. If you realize that your social circle is very small, you will probably notice all five of these traits in yourself.
First, there is an allergy to the surface level. Social encounters would not be possible without small talk. Questions like how is work and can you believe this weather grease the wheels of society. For some people, this might sound fine. But for the woman who knows very few people, this is slowly but steadily draining. There is a term in psychology called substantive conversation, which refers to deep, meaningful exchange that goes beyond small talk. Studies have shown that the relationship between human happiness and substantive conversation is greater than the correlation between happiness and the number of social interactions. The most contented people have double the amount of substantive conversations compared to the unhappiest ones. Women drawn to small groups have an inner urge to seek out this substance. They find it exhausting to put on a show of caring about what does not really matter. The more you strip down to the essentials, the more you automatically weed out those who thrive on superficiality.
Second, there is a low tolerance for social performance. Large groups have a performative aspect. You have to laugh at the right times and join in what sociologists call social grooming. Among humans, gossip is one common form of this. Evolutionary psychologists have suggested that gossip played an important part in the development of human species, allowing us to live in larger social groups. But for many women, this cost feels like too much. If you experience a kind of personal cringe whenever the topic drifts to the personal matters of others, you will find yourself becoming an outsider in those settings. You are not judgmental. You simply place more importance on integrity than on getting a quick high through finding common ground to bond with others.
Third, there are high levels of what is known as socioemotional selectivity. The feeling that life gives us an increasingly acute sense of our own limited time is the essence of this theory. As individuals feel more acutely the finitude of their time, they prioritize building emotional connections over exploring their world. Although this idea applies mainly to older people, many women develop such a condition early on. They recognize the limitations of social energy. They do not amass social contacts. They want a return on their investment, not selfishly, but in terms of soul satisfaction. It is more rewarding to spend five hours with one person who understands you than to spend one hour with each of five acquaintances who know you only in the party version.
Fourth, there is what can be called the autonomy comfort zone. Being alone and feeling lonely are entirely different things, but society tends to confuse the two. Women with fewer friends are characterized by having high autonomy. Autonomy is the urge to control one s own behavior and objectives. Women with a high sense of autonomy do not rely on anyone to give them the impression that they are doing well. They do not need a squad to affirm their decisions and their self worth. Since they are confident about themselves, there is less of a need to seek validation through a social network. This kind of comfort while being alone indicates high emotional intelligence. The drawback is that one does not call someone else just because they are bored.
Fifth, there is what can be called the hyper vigilant heart. Let us admit the truth. There is such a thing as a fortress of a small circle, not just a garden of Eden. There is a reason why many women who avoid large circles have experienced relational trauma. Neurologically speaking, when you are emotionally betrayed by someone you trust, the part of your brain responsible for emotional reactions becomes sensitive to social stimuli. Your eyes pick up on little signs that other people miss. You walk away from these people because you want to protect yourself. And even though it is effective, it is the one quality that you have to examine within yourself. Do you have a small circle because you found your people, or because you have built a wall?
Quality is the only metric that truly matters. The term epidemic of loneliness is mentioned constantly, followed by a hurried call to action for everyone to start socializing again. But there is one very important factor that this popular discourse ignores completely. Research has shown that loneliness is far from simply being alone. What truly matters is the sense of security and connection with other individuals. Loneliness functions like a biological alarm system, similar to hunger or thirst. Even if you are surrounded by twenty people whom you call friends but feel the need to hide behind social pleasantries, your brain will still send out that alarm. You are emotionally isolated. However, you might have only one friend who you speak to every week but who knows everything about you, and you could not feel any more secure.
If you are a woman with an extremely small social circle, the first step is accepting the reality and understanding that you do not have to wait for the world to approve of who you are. Society is built on principles that assume extroversion and sociability as basic conditions for success. Everyone who differs is called antisocial or difficult. But being a person aware of her personality can become quite a bold decision. Having a limited circle does not mean you lead a limited life or that you are socially inadequate. To the contrary, it often indicates that you lead your life with great purpose. Your entry bar is high, not because you are elitist, but because you value your inner peace. You have come to understand that your time is your greatest asset. You do not wish to waste it on relationships that drain your energy instead of replenishing it. In a world that becomes noisier and shallower every day, only very few individuals have the capacity to dive into deeper waters. If you have managed to find even one or two people who can join you there, you are not socially inadequate. You are socially gifted.
